Its proving to be very difficult though… I need to be in a place that’s not school. I’m thinking Saturday morning I could spend some time by the piano and download musescore and just write a shit ton. I have organized my themes into how I want them to come off as:
Theme 1: The feeling of not caring
Theme 2: longing
Theme 3: loving someone unconditionally
Theme 4: being used
Theme 5: uncertainty
Theme 6: resentment
Theme 7: hurting someone (in relative major)
Theme 8: going numb
Theme 9: rebuilding/ resolution (in parallel major)

The biggest goal for me right now is to do something everyday that’s good for me - mentally, physically, or for my subconscious.

I’m sorry for making promises I knew I couldn’t keep.
I just wanted to keep them. And I tried really hard to keep them. But I broke, I’m broken.
I’m sorry I lied, I’m sorry I stole.
I’m sorry for moving on so fast.

I’m sorry that things will never work out between us. I’m sorry I made you feel like they had to. I’m sorry that I got so desperate. I’m not desperate anymore.

Its so vivid. I so desperately craved that safe feeling, no matter how much pain I was in I felt safe and that is why I stayed so long. I’m not in pain anymore. I am not so needy. And I could stay awhile this time.

I miss it.. I miss you. This could be fun again. This could be healthy again. I miss saying hi to you. I missed being able to. I want to learn who you are once more.

Too many memories.

Things that ended horribly that I’m still going back to because they made me feel so much.. I feel so much. And I shut down over the last year because I didn’t need to feel anything anymore and now my soul is ready to feel but it doesn’t know how. And I want so much, but at the same time I don’t think I want it. And I like being worry-free. But I long away for the things that made me feel all the same.

That was very good for me. I feel like I’m sitting up taller and breathing better and I feel more aligned and in tune with what my body’s doing.

I’ve recently been trying to do really wacky things with my foods because I like making things and it’s like doing arts and crafts then eating it.

I have a style I think I’m going for this summer that feels very me.. I’ve figured out that I really like getting dressed up and I feel more comfortable in jeans than sweats, I like wearing a lot of jewelry and painting my nails and taking care of my skin. And one of my new goals for summer is to put effort into what I look like each day because it makes me feel better.

Going to make lunch now. :)

I feel so grounded in reality at this point…I’ve been honest with myself and doing things that benefit me and not just my passing emotions. But everything feels unreal too.. I feel like its too good to be true. I’ve never been this positive about life for such a prolonged period of time. I think I’ve come to terms with what will benefit my soul too.

Clearing the thoughts out of my head that don’t need to be there. Pushing through cravings and finding inspiration in a planned out, bigger future. Planning. I do so much planning.

Things I plan:

- What I wear each day

- What I eat every day, because I wasn’t eating enough

- Which classes I’m going to put effort into

- When I’m going to smoke

- What I need to accomplish over the next week

- What I need to accomplish over the summer

- Things I need to do to apply to Duluth

- What I’m going to do with my new schedule next year

- My whole fucking career

I’ve gotten really good at knowing when to stop talking, or when I should talk. I know which people I can talk around. I know how much detail to give each person I talk to, and many of them don’t want detail at all. I’m getting better at listening to my body and what it needs. I’m getting better at taking things one at a time and spending time doing just one thing - sitting down and eating without watching TV or doing anything else. Smoking a cigarette and not letting thoughts wander to my day, but just inhaling and exhaling. Driving in my car and focusing only on the road… singing a song and focusing only on how it makes me feel. I feel mindful. I feel liberated.. mostly though I just feel strong.